don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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