I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
