My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
he was CRYING into my vagina
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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