tell your sister to shave her snatch
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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