Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
