I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
