This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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