I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
