Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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