The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
