You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
