living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So much rum. So many feels.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
