I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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