I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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