You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
