My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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