I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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