In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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