Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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