My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
