I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
