Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
