I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
