she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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