I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
