i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
