I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
