Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
