if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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