Jerry, you need to find god
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
