I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
