im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
