I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Sex in the backyard? Check.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
