My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
