listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I checked into jail on foursquare
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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