He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
