I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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