the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
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