I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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