I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
