So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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