The maid of honor just puked.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
