Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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