Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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