Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
