If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
