hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
