everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
