We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
