Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
