WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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