Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
